Understanding Emotional Shutdown in Veteran Relationships: Help for Partners in Alberta

Emotional shutdown, sometimes called emotional numbing, can be a big problem for many veterans and their families. It means a person has trouble feeling and showing emotions. This can create distance, not just from their own feelings, but also from others, especially their partners. This article explains how emotional shutdown appears, what causes it, how it affects relationships, ways to cope, and the resources that are available, with a focus on Alberta and Canada.

Recognizing Emotional Shutdown: Signs and Effects

Emotional shutdown in veterans means they have significantly less ability to feel and express emotions. It’s more than just feeling sad; they struggle to connect with their own emotions and the emotions of those around them. This makes it very hard to have close relationships, especially with a spouse.

How It Appears in Veterans:

Veterans with emotional shutdown show various signs of this emotional disconnect. These signs fall into two main categories: behavioral and emotional.

• Behavioral Signs:

  • Social Withdrawal: Veterans might avoid social events and pull away from close relationships, including with their spouses.
  • Less Communication: There’s a noticeable drop in both talking and non-verbal communication, such as avoiding eye contact or showing a flat expression.
  • Increased Irritability: Veterans may have sudden anger outbursts or show more emotional reactivity than the situation calls for.
  • Affection Problems: They find it hard to show love or affection, which can be very hard for their partners.
  • Avoiding Emotional Triggers: Veterans often avoid any conversations or situations that could bring up strong emotions.
  • Risky Behaviors: Some may turn to dangerous activities, like substance abuse or reckless driving, as a way to feel something.
  • Loss of Interest: Activities they once enjoyed no longer interest them.
  • Neglect of Self-Care: Basic self-care and daily tasks may be ignored.

• Emotional Signs:

  • Numbness and Detachment: Veterans often say they feel numb, empty, or disconnected from everything.
  • Lack of Emotions: They have difficulty feeling basic emotions like joy or sadness.
  • Reduced Empathy: Showing less concern and empathy for others’ feelings becomes common.
  • Hopelessness: A sense of pessimism about the future is common.
  • Emotional Detachment
  • Inability to Cry

Effects on Partners and Spouses:

A veteran’s emotional shutdown deeply affects their partners, causing a variety of emotional and relationship challenges. This section will address recognizing symptoms of emotional shutdown in first responders, as well as how to best support these partners.

• Emotional Impact:

  • Loneliness and Isolation: Partners often feel incredibly alone, as if they are living with a stranger.
  • Anxiety and Depression: The stress of the situation can lead to more anxiety and depression.
  • Self-Doubt: Partners may start to question their own worth, wondering if they are no longer lovable or attractive.
  • Grief: There is a deep sadness from losing the emotional connection they once had.
  • Walking on Eggshells: Partners often feel they must be extremely careful around the veteran to avoid causing negative reactions.

• Relational Impact:

  • Communication Issues: Conversations break down, leading to more conflict and misunderstandings.
  • Loss of Trust: Intimacy and trust fade over time.
  • Lower Satisfaction: Overall happiness in the relationship decreases significantly.
  • Risk of Separation: The chance of separation or divorce increases due to the emotional stress.
  • Caregiver Role: Partners often feel more like caregivers than equal partners.
  • Sexual Problems: Issues with sexual intimacy and a lack of desire become common.
  • Resentment: Growing feelings of resentment can damage the relationship.

Real-Life Examples:

These signs can show up in different ways:

• A veteran might refuse to discuss their deployment experiences, even when their partner is visibly worried.
• A spouse may feel increasingly alone because their veteran partner no longer shows interest in activities they used to enjoy together, or in intimate moments.
• A veteran with a traumatic brain injury (TBI) might have sudden emotional outbursts or withdraw completely, leaving their partner confused and scared.

These examples demonstrate how emotional shutdown creates significant barriers in veteran relationships, affecting both the veteran and their partner. Recognizing these signs and their impact is the first step in finding help for emotional shutdown.

What Causes Emotional Shutdown?

Emotional shutdown in veterans is a complex issue with several contributing factors. These often come from their military experiences and the challenges of returning to civilian life.

• Trauma (PTSD, MST): Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a major cause. Traumatic events during deployment, such as combat exposure, witnessing death, or being injured, can lead to emotional numbing. This is a defense mechanism to cope with extreme fear, horror, and grief. Military Sexual Trauma (MST), including sexual assault or harassment, can also cause deep emotional shutdown.
• Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI): TBI is common among veterans, often from blast exposures and other injuries. It can directly affect the parts of the brain that control emotions. This can lead to emotional instability (rapid mood changes), apathy, or emotional blunting.
• Moral Injury: This is the psychological harm from actions or inactions that go against one’s moral code. Veterans may struggle with guilt, shame, and self-blame, leading to emotional withdrawal.
• Chronic Pain: Ongoing pain from injuries during service can significantly affect emotional well-being. Chronic pain can cause depression, anxiety, and a reduced ability to feel pleasure, adding to emotional shutdown.
• Substance Abuse: Some veterans use alcohol or drugs to numb emotional pain, which can make emotional detachment worse.
• Depression: A common condition, its symptoms include persistent sadness, disinterest in things that used to bring joy, and a sense of hopelessness.
• Transition Difficulties: Returning to civilian life comes with many challenges, such as finding a job, adjusting to a different culture, and rebuilding relationships. These stresses can lead to feelings of alienation and emotional shutdown.
• Gender Differences: Both male and female veterans experience emotional shutdown, but it may appear differently. Men might show more anger, irritability, and withdrawal. Women might have more internalizing symptoms like depression and anxiety. However, these are general observations, and individual experiences can vary.

Changes to Relationships and Family Dynamics

Emotional shutdown has a profound impact on relationships and family life, changing the dynamics significantly. The quality of the relationship, communication, intimacy, and overall family environment are all affected.

• Relationship Quality: Emotional shutdown leads to lower relationship satisfaction, more conflict, and a loss of intimacy. The veteran’s partner often feels neglected, unloved, and emotionally disconnected. This creates distance and isolation within the relationship.
• Communication Patterns: Communication becomes very strained. The veteran often avoids emotional topics, making the partner feel unheard or dismissed. Nonverbal communication, like a lack of eye contact or a flat expression, also worsens the disconnect. Conversations become shallow, and meaningful exchanges are rare. These are some of the communication problems in first responder relationships.
• Intimacy Levels: Both emotional and physical intimacy decrease. The veteran’s emotional unavailability prevents closeness, and sexual dysfunction can occur due to PTSD, TBI, or medication side effects. This lack of intimacy further isolates the partner, leading to feelings of rejection.
• Overall Family Dynamics: Children are significantly affected by a parent’s emotional shutdown. They may experience emotional insecurity, anxiety, and behavioral problems. The partner often takes on more parenting duties, leading to caregiver burden and resentment. The family environment becomes tense and unpredictable.
• Challenges Faced by Partners/Spouses:
  • Isolation: Partners feel alone in the relationship and lack emotional support. This sense of loneliness can be overwhelming and lead to depression.
  • Resentment: They may feel angry and frustrated with the veteran’s emotional unavailability and the resulting imbalance in the relationship. Resentment builds over time, damaging the foundation of the partnership.
  • Anxiety: Partners often worry about the veteran’s well-being and the future of the relationship. This constant worry creates significant stress and anxiety.
  • Caregiver Burden: They take on more responsibility for household tasks, childcare, and managing the veteran’s health needs. This added burden can be exhausting and lead to burnout.
  • Secondary Traumatization: Partners can experience emotional distress from witnessing the veteran’s struggles and the impact of their trauma. This secondary trauma can manifest as symptoms similar to PTSD, also known as vicarious trauma and emotional numbing.
  • Ambiguous Loss: Experiencing the veteran being physically present, but not emotionally available.

Coping Methods and Available Treatments

Dealing with emotional shutdown requires a full approach that includes treatments for both the veteran and their partner. This involves various therapies, support systems, and self-care practices.

• Individual Therapies for Veterans:
  • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT helps veterans recognize and change negative thought patterns. It teaches coping skills for managing emotions and reducing distress.
  • Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): ACT focuses on accepting difficult emotions and committing to actions based on personal values. This helps veterans live a meaningful life despite their struggles.
  • Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): EMDR is another PTSD treatment that uses bilateral stimulation, like eye movements, to process traumatic memories. This helps reduce the emotional impact of the trauma.
  • Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT): Helps reshape thoughts and feelings following trauma.
  • Narrative Exposure Therapy (NET): Combines multiple traumas into one story, helping the brain process past events.
• Couple and Family Therapies:
  • Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): EFT helps couples identify and change negative interaction patterns. It works to rebuild emotional connection and secure attachment, making the relationship feel safer and more supportive.
  • Gottman Method Couples Therapy: This method improves communication, builds friendship, and helps manage conflict healthily. It focuses on strengthening the bond between partners.
  • Behavioral Couples Therapy: This therapy addresses relationship problems by increasing positive interactions and improving communication skills. It helps create a more positive and supportive relationship environment.
• Self-Care Practices for Partners/Spouses:
  • Seeking Social Support: Connecting with friends, family, or support groups provides emotional validation and understanding. It helps partners feel less alone and more supported.
  • Practicing Self-Compassion: Recognizing their own pain and challenges without judgment is crucial. Self-compassion allows partners to be kind to themselves during hard times.
  • Engaging in Stress-Reducing Activities: Activities like exercise, mindfulness, meditation, and hobbies help reduce stress. These practices improve overall well-being and provide a healthy outlet for emotions.
  • Setting Healthy Boundaries: Protecting their own emotional well-being by setting limits on caregiving and prioritizing their own needs is essential. Boundaries help maintain a sense of self and prevent burnout.
  • Seeking Individual Therapy: Addressing their own emotional distress and developing coping strategies is important. Therapy provides a safe space to process feelings and learn healthy coping mechanisms.
• Peer Support Groups and Community Resources:
  • Veteran-Specific Support Groups: Groups offered by organizations like Veterans Affairs (VA) provide a safe space for veterans to connect with others who understand their experiences. These groups build a sense of community and shared understanding.
  • Support Groups for Partners/Spouses: These groups offer a sense of community and shared understanding among partners facing similar challenges. They provide a place to share experiences and coping strategies.
  • Family Support Programs: These programs offer education, resources, and counseling for the entire family. They help families deal with the challenges of emotional shutdown together.

Resources in Canada and Alberta

Research on emotional shutdown in veteran couples in Canada is growing. Understanding the Canadian context is essential for providing effective support, including mental health support for veterans.

• Canadian-Specific Resources:
  • Veterans Affairs Canada (VAC): VAC offers various services for veterans and their families, including mental health support, rehabilitation services, and financial assistance. VAC Website These resources are vital for addressing the needs of Canadian veterans.
  • Operational Stress Injury (OSI) Clinics: These clinics provide specialized mental health care for veterans with OSIs, including PTSD. Specifically, explore Operational Stress Injury clinics in Alberta. VAC Website for OSI They offer focused treatment for veteran PTSD for conditions commonly affecting veterans.
  • Canadian Forces Member Assistance Program (CFMAP): CFMAP offers confidential counseling and support services to Canadian Armed Forces members and their families. CFMAP Website This program is a crucial resource for immediate support.
  • The Atlas Institute for Veterans and Families: This Canadian organization focuses on improving mental health and well-being for veterans and their families through research, education, and advocacy. They are one of the key support organizations for Canadian veterans.
    • They offer a free online, self-directed course called Understanding Veteran and Family Mental Health, the Essentials: For Family Members
  • Wounded Warriors Canada: This organization runs the COPE Program (Couples Overcoming PTSD Every Day), available to Alberta residents. Website This program specifically helps couples deal with the impacts of PTSD.
  • The Support Our Troops Program: This program provides funds to help serving and retired military members, and their families, access mental health services. It helps cover the costs of essential treatments.
• Cultural Considerations: Canadian military culture and the experiences of Canadian veterans may differ from those in other countries. These differences can influence how emotional shutdown shows up and how it should be treated.
• Alberta-Specific Resources:
  • Alberta Health Services (AHS): AHS offers mental health services through various programs and clinics, accessible to veterans and their families. AHS Website These services provide local support within the province.
  • Edmonton Garrison Military Family Resource Centre: The Edmonton Garrison Military Family Resource Centre helps all military families in the area. These are some of the support organizations for Canadian veterans

Emerging Trends and Future Directions

The approach to addressing emotional shutdown in veterans is evolving, with new trends and research directions appearing. These advancements aim to improve prevention, treatment, and overall support for veterans and their families.

• Focus on Prevention and Early Intervention: There is a growing emphasis on identifying and addressing risk factors for emotional shutdown early in a veteran’s career. This includes providing support during the transition to civilian life, overcoming some of the barriers to mental health care access. Early intervention can prevent more severe emotional issues from developing.
• Trauma-Informed Care: Integrating trauma-informed principles into all aspects of veteran care is becoming standard. This approach recognizes the widespread impact of trauma on mental and emotional health. It ensures that care is sensitive to the unique needs of veterans who have experienced trauma.
• Technology-Based Interventions: Telehealth, mobile apps, and virtual reality are being used to expand access to mental health care, providing telehealth for veteran mental health. These technologies provide innovative treatment approaches, making it easier for veterans to receive help.
• Research on Resilience: Studying factors that promote resilience in veterans and their families is a key area of research. This research helps create interventions to enhance coping and well-being, helping families better withstand the challenges of military life and emotional shutdown.
• Personalized Medicine: Tailoring treatment approaches based on individual characteristics is gaining popularity. This includes considering genetic factors, biomarkers, and specific trauma experiences. Personalized medicine aims to provide the most effective treatment for each person.
• Addressing Moral Injury: Developing specific interventions for moral injury is crucial. These interventions address the unique challenges of moral injury, including spiritual and existential approaches. They help veterans reconcile their actions and find peace.
• Neurostimulation Techniques: Exploring non-invasive brain stimulation techniques, such as transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS), is a promising area of research. These techniques aim to adjust brain activity and relieve emotional numbing, offering a new option for treatment.
• Research into Attachment Styles: Understanding different attachment styles, how they develop, and how to change them is an important area of study. This research can help tailor interventions to improve relationships affected by emotional shutdown.

Ethical Considerations to Keep in Mind

Ethical considerations are extremely important when providing care and conducting research with veterans and their families. These considerations ensure that the rights and well-being of participants are protected.

• Informed Consent: Veterans and their partners must fully understand the nature of research studies and treatment interventions before participating. Informed consent ensures they are aware of the potential risks and benefits, and that their participation is voluntary.
• Confidentiality: Protecting the privacy of veterans seeking mental health support and their families is crucial. This is especially important when dealing with sensitive information about trauma and mental health. Confidentiality builds trust and encourages open communication.
• Power Imbalances: Recognizing potential power imbalances in the therapist-client relationship is essential. Steps must be taken to ensure veterans and their partners feel empowered and respected. This creates a safe and fair therapeutic environment.
• Cultural Sensitivity: Providing culturally competent care that is responsive to the diverse backgrounds and experiences of veterans and their families is crucial. Cultural sensitivity ensures that care is relevant and respectful of individual differences.
• Stigma Reduction: Reducing the stigma associated with mental health issues in the military and veteran community is an ongoing effort. Promoting help-seeking behavior encourages veterans and their families to seek the support they need without fear of judgment.
• Dual Relationships:
  • Care must be taken, especially in smaller Alberta communities where veterans may know the professionals that are there to help them.

By addressing emotional shutdown with a thorough, culturally sensitive, and ethically sound approach, we can better support Canadian veterans and their families.

If you are the partner of a veteran in Alberta struggling with emotional shutdown, know that you are not alone and help is available. Contact Responders First to explore the resources and support options tailored to your needs. We are here to help you and your partner rebuild connection and improve your well-being.

Don Davis

15+ years of emergency response experience. Passionate about connecting our first responder communities with critical resources. Author of hundreds of articles and guides on First Responders mental health care. When not responding to emergencies, you can find me playing with my dogs, hiking, or enjoying a good book.