How to Support a Veteran Partner or Spouse

If you’re the partner or spouse of a Canadian Armed Forces Veteran, you’re often the first person to notice when something isn’t right. Maybe they’ve become quieter, more irritable or more distant since leaving the military. Maybe they’re sleeping badly or drinking more. And maybe, when you gently suggest talking to someone, they brush it off.

You’re not alone in this. Many Veterans in Canada, including here in Alberta, still hesitate to ask for help, even though stigma has eased. This guide explains why, how to recognize depression and other common struggles, how to talk about therapy in a way that lands, and the resources available to Veterans and their families.

How Military History Still Shapes Veteran Mental Health

For a long time, mental illness in military organizations, including the Canadian Armed Forces, was heavily stigmatized. Struggling with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) or depression was wrongly seen as a sign of weakness, something that didn’t fit with military values of strength and resilience.

That history still has an impact. Many Veterans struggle with “self-stigma,” meaning they’ve internalized those beliefs and would rather suffer in silence than risk being judged. Research shows military personnel experience higher levels of mental illness-related stigma than civilians. On top of that, the transition from military to civilian life can be hard, adding another layer of stress just when familiar support structures fall away.

Why Veterans Hesitate to Get Help

• Fear of judgment. Veterans may worry about being seen as weak or unreliable by peers, family or future employers.
• Career worries. Those still serving may fear limited duties, missed promotions or release.
• The “tough it out” mindset. Military culture prizes self-reliance and enduring hardship without complaint, so asking for help can feel like breaking an unspoken rule.
• Bad past experiences. If they felt dismissed or treatment didn’t help before, they may not want to try again. That’s why Veteran-sensitive care matters.
• Navigating the system. Many Veterans, especially those newly released, don’t know what’s available through Veterans Affairs Canada (VAC) or where to start.
• Distance. In rural and remote parts of Alberta, specialists can be far away and hard to reach regularly.
• Doubts that therapy works. Some Veterans simply aren’t convinced treatment will make a difference.

Depression in Canadian Veterans

Depression is one of the most common mental health conditions Veterans face, and it often goes unrecognized because it doesn’t always look like sadness. Research comparing national survey data from 2002 and 2013 found that depression was almost twice as common in Canadian Armed Forces members as in the general population.

What Raises the Risk

• Operational stress and deployment. Combat, deployments and exposure to danger and trauma can leave a lasting psychological impact.
• The transition to civilian life. Finding work, rebuilding social connections and adjusting to a less structured life are all major stressors. Many Veterans also miss the sense of purpose and belonging that came with service.
• Substance use. Some Veterans use alcohol or drugs to cope with depressive symptoms, which can turn into a cycle of co-occurring problems.
• Brain injuries. A traumatic brain injury (TBI) can disrupt normal brain function and raise the risk of depression.
• Physical health problems. Chronic pain and certain medical conditions, along with some medications, can contribute to depression.
• Personal or family history. A history of depression in the Veteran or their family increases the risk.

These factors often stack up. A Veteran with a family history of depression who deployed and is now struggling with the move to civilian life faces a much higher risk than any one factor alone would suggest.

Signs of Depression to Watch For

Emotional and mental signs

• Persistent sadness, emptiness or hopelessness, and losing interest in things they used to enjoy
• Irritability, restlessness and anger that’s hard to manage. In many Veterans, depression shows up as anger rather than tears.
• Trouble concentrating, remembering things or making decisions
• Thoughts of death or suicide, which always need immediate attention

Physical signs

• Constant tiredness, even after enough sleep
• Big changes in appetite or weight
• Trouble falling asleep, staying asleep or waking too early
• Headaches, back pain or stomach problems without a clear medical cause

Signs linked to military experience

• Moral injury. Distress from things they did, saw or failed to prevent that went against their moral beliefs, often with intense guilt, shame and self-blame.
• Survivor’s guilt. Questioning why they made it home when others didn’t.
• Re-experiencing trauma. Intrusive memories, flashbacks or nightmares. These are more typical of PTSD, but depression and PTSD often occur together.

Why a Full Assessment Matters

Veterans often live with more than one condition at once, such as depression alongside PTSD, anxiety or substance use. A good clinician will screen for all of them, because treating depression alone when PTSD is also present may not work well. Getting the full picture early means your Veteran gets the right help sooner.

Treatment for Depression

Depression is very treatable. A good plan depends on the person, and often combines several approaches:

• Talk therapy. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) helps change negative thought patterns and behaviours. Learn more about CBT for CAF members and Veterans. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) helps people make room for difficult thoughts while focusing on what matters to them. Interpersonal Psychotherapy (IPT) focuses on relationships and life transitions, which can be especially relevant after release.
• Medication. A family doctor or psychiatrist may recommend antidepressants, often alongside therapy.
• Trauma-focused care. If PTSD or moral injury is part of the picture, trauma-focused therapy can address the root of the depression. Our trauma guide for Alberta Veterans explains the options.

How to Talk to Your Veteran About Getting Support

How you raise the subject matters as much as what you say.

• Make it normal. Treat mental health like physical health. You wouldn’t hesitate to suggest a doctor for a bad knee.
• Listen more than you talk. Give your full attention, let them share at their own pace, and reflect back what you hear (“It sounds like…”).
• Offer empathy, not advice. Validate their feelings even if you don’t fully understand, and avoid minimizing or trying to fix.
• Watch your body language. Stay open, calm and relaxed.
• Use “I” statements. “I’ve noticed you seem more stressed lately, and I’m worried” lands better than “You’re acting differently.”
• Respect their pace. Every Veteran is different. Some respond to direct conversation, others to small, low-pressure moments.

Some things you might try saying:

• “I’ve noticed you’ve been more withdrawn lately, and I’m concerned. Would you be open to talking about it?”
• “It takes strength to ask for help, and I’m here to support you however I can.”
• “A lot of Veterans find therapy helpful. It might be worth checking out.”

Adjusting Your Approach to What They’re Facing

PTSD

PTSD can show up as flashbacks, nightmares, hypervigilance, emotional numbing and avoiding reminders of trauma. Keep home life as predictable as you can, be mindful of triggers like sudden loud noises, respect their need for space, and frame therapy as a way to get back a sense of control. If your Veteran seems emotionally checked out, our guide to emotional shutdown in veteran relationships explains what’s going on and how to reconnect. Read more in supporting a Veteran partner with PTSD.

Living with someone’s trauma can affect you too. Partners can develop secondary PTSD from indirect exposure, so your own support matters.

Depression

Remind them depression is a treatable medical condition, not a weakness. Offer practical help, like booking appointments, running errands or going along to the first session. Be patient, because recovery takes time, and never pressure them to “snap out of it.”

Anxiety

Help create a calm environment, suggest breathing or mindfulness exercises, and encourage professional support to build coping strategies. Acknowledge that their fears feel real, even if they seem out of proportion.

Substance Use

Express concern without judgment, focus on health and safety rather than blame, and encourage treatment for both the substance use and what’s driving it. Support them, but be careful not to enable the problem.

Resources for Veterans

• VAC Assistance Service. Free, confidential psychological support 24/7 for Veterans, former RCMP members and their families. Call 1-800-268-7708.
• Operational Stress Injury (OSI) Clinics. Specialized clinics across Canada that assess and treat operational stress injuries using a team approach.
• Mental health support through VAC and WCB. Our guide to how Veterans can access coverage for treatment.
• Atlas Institute for Veterans and Families. A Canadian centre that shares information and resources on Veteran and family mental health.
• Royal Canadian Legion. Helps Veterans connect with mental health and PTSD support and navigate benefits.
• Canadian Mental Health Association (CMHA). Programs, support groups and education through local branches across Alberta.
• Alberta Addiction Helpline. Support for substance use concerns at 1-866-332-2322.
• Hope for Wellness Help Line. Support for Indigenous Veterans and families at 1-855-242-3310.

If your Veteran is in crisis or having thoughts of suicide, call or text 9-8-8, the Suicide Crisis Helpline, or call 911 if they’re in immediate danger.

If your Veteran is still serving or recently released, our therapy for CAF members and Veterans is built around military culture and the transition to civilian life.

Support for You as a Family Member

Supporting a Veteran is demanding, and you deserve support in your own right, not only as a way to help them.

• VAC Assistance Service for families. The same free, confidential 24/7 service is open to family members. You can call for yourself, even if your Veteran isn’t ready to get help.
• OSISS family peer support. Operational Stress Injury Social Support (OSISS) is a joint program of VAC and the Department of National Defence. Alongside peer support for Veterans, it offers family peer support, connecting you with trained peers who have lived with a loved one’s operational stress injury.
• Military Family Resource Centres (MFRCs). MFRCs support military families across Canada, including in Alberta, and many also offer programs for Veteran families during and after the transition to civilian life.
• Family involvement in treatment. If your Veteran is in treatment, ask their care team whether family or couples sessions can be part of the plan.

Don’t wait until you’re running on empty. Individual therapy can help you process your own stress, set healthy boundaries and keep your relationship strong.

Ground Rules for Supporting Without Overstepping

• Respect their autonomy. You can encourage and support, but the decision to get help is theirs.
• Encourage, don’t coerce. Pressure, threats or ultimatums usually backfire.
• Keep confidences. Don’t share what they tell you without consent, unless someone’s safety is at risk.
• Know your limits. Your role is to support and connect them with qualified professionals, not to be their therapist.

Challenging Common Myths

• “Therapy is a sign of weakness.” Asking for help takes strength. Therapy is a tool for building resilience, like training.
• “I can handle it on my own.” Some problems are too heavy to carry alone, and therapy gives you tools and a safe place to use them.
• “Therapy doesn’t work.” There are many evidence-based approaches, and if one isn’t a fit, another might be.
• “Mental health problems are a personal failing.” They’re health conditions shaped by experience, environment and biology.
• “I have other ways of coping.” Therapy can work alongside healthy habits like exercise, not replace them.

Take the Next Step with Responders First

Encouraging a Veteran to get help isn’t easy, and it rarely happens in one conversation. By understanding what holds them back, recognizing the signs of depression and other struggles, and taking care of yourself along the way, you’re already making a difference.

If you’re the partner or spouse of a Veteran in Alberta and you’re worried about depression, emotional shutdown or any other mental health concern, reach out to Responders First. We can help you and your loved one find the right support and the best path forward.

Don Davis

15+ years of emergency response experience. Passionate about connecting our first responder communities with critical resources. Author of hundreds of articles and guides on First Responders mental health care. When not responding to emergencies, you can find me playing with my dogs, hiking, or enjoying a good book.